There once was a girl in Timbuctoo,
She lived in a house with an Outside Loo,
When she needed to spend a penny or two,
She said “I don`t want to poo in the dark”.

`Cause she lived next door to a great big zoo,
And all the animals made a hullaballo,
From the Polar Bear to the Kangaroo,
So she didn`t want to poo in the dark.

And the big black cow said “moo moo moo”,
The big crocodile said “I`ll eat you”,
The big bad bear said “I`ll knock you black and blue”,
So she didn`t want to poo in the dark.

But worst of all I tell you true,
Was a ghost that lived in the Outside Loo,
And when the North Wind blew, it said “Ooo-oo”,
Don`t go to poo in the dark.

And the big black cow said “moo moo moo”,
The big crocodile said “I`ll eat you”,
The big bad bear said “I`ll knock you black and blue”,
Don`t go to poo in the dark.

And every night by the light of the moon,
A spider comes and sits under the seat of the loo,
Its got a fat hairy body and its waiting for You,
So don`t go to poo in the dark.

And the big black cow says “moo moo moo”,
The big crocodile says “I`ll eat you”,
The big bad bear says “I`ll knock you black and blue”,
Don`t go to poo in the dark.

And even if the toilet looks small to you,
You can fall right down it – yes you know its true!
It will flush you away to tomorrow afternoon,
So don`t go to poo in the dark.

And the big black cow says “moo moo moo”,
The big crocodile says “I`ll eat you”,
The big bad bear says “I`ll knock you black and blue”,
Don`t go to poo in the dark.

So even if you`ve got an Inside Loo,
Where the bears and all the animals can`t get you,
If ever you hear a Ooo-oo-oo,
Don`t go to poo in the dark.

`Cause the big black cow says “moo moo moo”,
The big crocodile says “I`ll eat you”,
And the big bad bear says “I`ll knock you black and blue”,
So don`t go to poo in the dark.

DIDDLY-DEE BLUES

Well I woke up this morning,
With the Diddly-dee blues,
Yes I woke up this morning,
With those Diddly-dee blues,
Yea they hit me with no warning
From my head down to my shoes.

Chorus:
They went diddly diddly diddly
Diddly diddly diddly dee
Diddly diddly diddly
Diddly diddly diddly dee,
Diddly diddly diddly,
Diddly diddly diddly dee.

Well they came over me
From the session the night before,
When they played some diddly-dee
Then played some more,
Now my head is vibrating like
an ocean`s pounding roar.

Chorus :

Well I was in the pub the other night,
Singing songs so happily,
Then I had a call of nature,
I had to go and have a pee,
When I came back into the room
They were at it again with the old diddly-dee.

Chorus :

Well it just might be that I am going insane.
Or it just might be that ,
I`ve been left too long out in the rain.
But it seems to me that
Those tunes all sound the same.

Chorus :

Now some folk like to relax
With a good old cup of tea,
And some like to relax,
With a woman on their knee,
But I like to relax
With that good old diddly-dee.

Chorus

BLACK SHIP CONTRITION
(Words by Mark Coulthard)

The Black Ship Contrition slumps low at her anchor,
The salty tar water sucks on her chains,
Her dead silhouette haunts the quays of the harbour,
And the chill from her oak soaks the wharves like a stain.

The Black Ship Contrition has numberless crewmen,
They swarm on the rigging and hang from the mast,
And each empty face is a face with no future,
And each hollow eye has an infinate past.

The Black Ship Contrition has a captain of iron,
And he hates his crew like the gale hates the tree,
As his hands grip the wheel, salt grinds from his fingers,
And his countenance shifts like the swell of the sea.

Up goes a Cry! The scum dripping anchor
Oozes back to the ship from the rot of the bay,
The leather sails crack to the winds wilfull fingers,
With one shudder of wood the black ship ghosts away.

For the Black Ship Contrition has storm leagues to travel,
Grim cargoes to embark from dark soul-less lands,
Forever receiving, but never unloading,
And forever reaping its crop of new Hands.

The Black Ship Contrition has a hold like a chasm,
Deep as the sea, deep as the stars,
It can take the whole world, all its dreams and its nightmares,
A vacuum-filled void, a gaol without bars.

Beware the Black Ship! And its captain of iron,
It will cut through your hopes like a bone-splitting knife,
If that dreadful Black Ship should e`re darken your horizon,
You must run without end, as you value your life.

Mark Coulthard